FORTITUDE

If you type "fortitude" into Google this is what you'll find: "she endured her illness with great fortitude". Given my current circumstances I found this not only hilarious but also quite fitting. Fortitude essentially means: courage, brave, to be resilient, having strength of character under trial and tribulation...or my personal favorite: true grit.

Undergoing any type of surgery takes fortitude. Let me be honest, writing this while taking round the clock medication takes fortitude. For those of you who've experienced it or know someone whose undergone any sort of operation the truth is simple. It's a hefty process from beginning to end. It's no walk in the park, well unless you live next to a fire swamp.

After surgery, or as I now call it...being screwed back together, I forgot all the lovely words and phrases I spoke about Turning The Page. Nope, all those pretty words and images flew right out the hospital window. Truth be told I asked my mother in my delirious state, "this is voluntary, right?". Apparently, I needed to be reminded that I did in fact literally sign up for all of this. Pain has a way of doing these kind of things. You want to know what's really funny about having this surgery? I can now say I am screwed up...literally. There's a certain kind of relief and freedom in knowing this. God's titanium reminder to a recovering-type A of how out of control I really am in the grand scheme of things.

All joking aside, here's the truth. For as painful, debilitating, terrible and at many times embarrassing as this process is...these horrible moments are not what I remember. I consciously know I spent those first few nights in the hospital bed in excruciating pain, in tears, feeling hopeless, and unable to communicate to my care-givers how they could help. IV's sucked, sitting up for the first time...a nightmare. Walking for the first time...let's not get me started on that one. Throwing up...well we won't go there. Being forced to depend on others when you're Miss Independent...not easy. My head knows these things, I can recall those moments, but I do not feel them. My body, my mind, does not hold onto this pain.

What I do remember, what I truly feel even now is not the pain...but the joy and love the pain brought me. I remember:

• My mom never wanting to leave my side...my constant hand to hold.

• As the nurses flittered around me, my 84 year-old grandfather looking at me from across the room and mouthing: I Love You. 

• My dad sleeping on the floor of my hospital room because he wanted to spend the night with me.

• My grandmother kissing me on my forehead...every chance she got.

• Laughing to myself when my friend Amber "lawyered up" at seeing me in pain post-surgery...I knew the nurses and doctors did not stand a chance against my best friend.

• Watching two of my best friends, Morgan and Keri Anne, meet for the very first time when they visited me in the hospital. 

• Seeing Keri Anne's 18 month old daughter Rachel clapping her hands as I finished my walk around the hospital wing. 

• How gracious, kind, patient, and sweet my Vanderbilt nurses and care-givers were. 

• The smile on my face when meeting my new bro Harper. Puppy-therapy is the best! 

• The smell of beautiful flowers, thoughtful gifts from sweet friends and clients. 

• Seeing the purple initials marked onto my body for surgery..."JC". 

• The abundant messages I received from friends and family members letting me know how they were praying for me. 

These are snapshot moments my soul clings to. Memories I recall when the pain courses over me again, when I doubt Turning The Page, or when I need a kick in the butt for being Un-Authentically Me. 

In our culture, fortitude often conveys the image of bolstering up or pressing forward alone. It brings about the image of one person using all that they have within themselves to accomplish a goal, to bring about change, to persevere through a trial. However, all the memories I have during this hefty process include family members, life-friends, even strangers who became new friends...all individuals who weave together to make up my community here in Nashville. Ironic isn't it. 

I was wheeled to the operating room, but not before my mother squeezed my hand. 

I sat up in the hospital bed, but the nurse held me.  

I took my first steps to the chair, but my grandmother walked beside me. 

I walked to the nurse's counter, but my father stood beside me the whole time. 

After making two laps around the hospital wing my grandfather taking every step with me, my nurse brightly said, "you're doing great". I nodded and with a simple smile I spoke a single word: FORTITUDE.

Fortitude no longer means simply having within me the courage to face adversity, being resilient through trials, or having true grit. It holds a new power, the ability to do all these things but appreciate the people who walk beside me. Often times we honor the individual person, we praise their unique abilities, their solitary journey through the crucible set before them. However, the greater power of fortitude is not something that happens in isolation but rather within the arms of community. 

-Authentically Me

Turning The Page

In six weeks I will be in an operating room. 

In six weeks I shall endure pain in the hopes of overcoming pain. 

Ironic isn't it? 

Before Pinterest there was the art of collaging. Technology now makes it easy to thumb through countless pictures and pin them to a virtual board. Despite this addicting application, every year I still grab a stack of magazines and a pair of scissors setting aside an afternoon to create. In a way it's become a personal timeline, a snapshot of ideas, dreams, and hopes. The last five years currently hang in my room all capturing authentically me from 2011-2016. Studying them you might find similarities, subtle nuances carried over throughout the years. Yet each year seems to hold its own theme.

Glancing at my hope for 2016, I can sum it up with one phrase: turning the page. Regeneration is always at the heart of authentically me. The lotus is after all my favorite flower. I seek to pursue the art of restoration, to live life better to be more each day than I was the last. I seek to be kinder, more patient, more accepting, more generous, more loving, more considerate, more faithful, more compassionate. I hope to be strong in the face of adversity, to conquer fear, to seek to heal, to listen, to reach out.

Despite our best intentions and the internal struggle, our flesh can be weak. So is the case with me. Most of my life I've struggled to feel in control of a failing body. As if there are two drastic parts of me: the spirit and the vessel in which it is kept. The spirit is adventurous, energetic, capable, fearless. The vessel is weak, stubborn, weighted, exhausted. When your body's entire foundation is broken, the structure upon which you stand constantly working against you, life itself becomes a daily struggle. So is the case with me.

After having multiple orthopedic surgeries before I reached high-school, I grew up keenly aware that something was fundamentally wrong with me. Yes, I was capable in academics. Yes, I was kind to those around me. Yes, I was a loyal friend. Yes, I was a dreamer, a writer. Yet I wasn't able to be active like my peers could. Sitting in a chair for long period of times brought numbness, running was out of the question, walking was okay for short stretches. Swimming preferred. If I walked, I hurt for two days after. If I played volleyball, I struggled to move the next day. Any sort of prolonged activity brought me debilitating pain.

Ever since I can remember my back issues and the symptoms they produce have been an active painful part of my life. Ever since I can remember I've suffered in silence. Those who struggle with chronic pain often do not realize how much their pain isolates them. We live our lives the way we were forced to. We survived, adapted, carried on, moved forward. We clenched and bore it. We got on with it. We deal with it alone and rarely speak of it. In my case, I never wanted it to limit me. I've walked up the Acropolis in Athens, I've scuba dived in Cozumel, I've been skydiving, I've climbed the stairs to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. I've prayer-walked the red-light districts of Bangkok and played upon the beaches of Ireland.

Over the course of the last four years my structure has progressively gotten worse. So much so that today when I went to church I could not stand to worship Jesus. As hard as I tried to make it through four songs of praise, I was forced to sit down. My spirit was willing my flesh was weak. Usually in these first few moments my anger dissolves to disappointment, upset at myself and the limitations of the body I've been given. In the darkest of times I give into despair and self-hatred. Today however Jesus renewed my spirit and gave me a vision. As a grasped the chair behind me to sit He breathed life into my hope of turning the page.

I watched on as Jesus placed his hands over my chest, over my heart, to the very center of my body, where my soul dwells. His Carpenter hands, the Builder, the Maker of all things, revived me. His hands pressing down three times as if signaling me being brought back to life. As I sat there overcome by sadness at my limitations and the desperate desire to be beyond this pain, He gave me the vision of restoration. My restoration by his hands.

As June 28th approaches I am more ready each and every day to turn this page in my life. For the last fifteen years I've dealt with the pain caused by my spine. No more. I trust and choose to move forward in the hope of a better life. A life where my body and spirit are not divided. A life where my spirit and body reflect who I authentically am.

Around The Table

What's the secret behind building community? If you're like me there are periods where life is abundantly overflowing with friends and a sense of belonging then times where you feel as if you're stranded on a deserted island with just yourself for company. I've neglected my Authentically Me musings of late because I've been pursuing a combined passion...the art of building authentic community.

Transitioning is never easy and for me it's been surprisingly harder returning to an old life than it was building a new one. The process may be slow but I've been dreaming of a way to make it easier! One part event planning, one part amazing friendships, and one part creativity. Around The Table Nashville was born. To learn more check out: www.aroundthetablenashville.com 

This exciting new venture is sure to be a roller coaster ride of fun and hard work. However I can't wait to start!

Fear No Evil

 Terrorists attacked Paris. 

 I board a plane to New York City for a business trip. 

A video was released threatening New York. 

 I walk in Times Square.

The U.S. declares a high alert to all travelers. 

I board a plane in New York City. 

My time in New York City was unexpected...but not in the way I ever wanted or planned. I imagined new adventures not high-alerts. I envisioned funny stories not life-endangering threats.

Fear is a powerful weapon. Our enemies use it against us because they believe it has the power to cripple us. Fear lives inside us...it is a part of us. The right amount of fear makes us safe. The wrong amount of fear keeps us paralyzed. It's a balance we all know well. It's a balance we all struggle with.

This generation, my generation, grew up learning and living with the remnants of world wars. We've lived through multiple terrorist attacks on our country. Fear beckoning us with each popping headline and jarring news report to see our world as hellish, crazy, and dangerous. At times it all just feels so uncontrollable, as if a solution is unimaginable, a problem to complex to solve, a gap too big to ever be mended.

But then I spend a weekend with two pretty spectacular people I get to call family and I know everything will be alright. You see Love triumphs over fear. Love triumphs over evil. It always has...and it always will. It's the genetics off our humanity. It may get bad...it may get really bad...but Love finds a way. It always has...it always will.

A few years ago I walked in Times Square. Past experiences making me vulnerable to fear and anxiety. I spent the entire time afraid of history repeating itself. Fast forward to now, I walked those same streets. The streets lined with NYPD officers, members of the military with machine guns...and I was not afraid. The unexpected guest walking with me was certainty. Despite the threats and alerts, the voices ringing in our mind to be afraid, I was certain no matter what happened I would be okay regardless. I knew who I was and I knew whose I was...nothing else mattered. A simple but profound revelation finally put to the test.

I could've spent a whole trip giving into fear and all I would've remembered about my time in NYC was that fear. I chose to spend the weekend having fun, living in love, with two amazingly brave cousins of mine. We three chose to engage not disengage. We did not let fear control our time together. Were there moments of fear and anxiety...absolutely. Yet we chose to move past them. We chose not to give in to it.

We cannot control when we will be afraid. Life is uncertain, experiences are unexpected and unplanned. Fear is a natural part of who we are. We can however authentically choose what to do with that fear.

-Authentically Unafraid Me

New York State Of Mind

New York City. The Big Apple. The place were millions live, work, struggle, have fun, and live their busy lives. No one can be more authentic I feel than a true New Yorker! This great city of New York will always be special to me for many reasons. I've traveled here several times over the years. First with family, school, friends. NYC is an incredibly fun, vibrant place filled with opportunity.

The minute you step into the city there is a current in the air, a vibe, a ripple, an unstated knowing that maybe just maybe something unexpectedly wonderful could happen. That's my New York state of mind. To hope for the unexpected. It's been three years since I walked these busy streets of New York. A lot has changed...but I'm glad some things never do.

Maybe because it's fall...but there is change in the air. First the leaves, then the weather, the clothes in my closet...it all is transitoning. Change, transitioning, is hard. At times it will always be hard, but if looked at in a different way it can be FUN too.

Here's to fall, change, business trips that turn into girly weekend getaways, and embracing an old but always new city I love.

More to come on NYC!

-Authentically Me

Say No To Say Yes

Sometimes in life you have to say no in order to say yes.

Requests come and come often. Requests, I find, are questions with hopeful outcomes. People ask with the purpose and pursuit you will follow through, you will take action the way they want you to. We get requests all the time...and we usually don't hesitate to step up and say yes. We give, give and give, and give some more. To the point where all we want to do is curl up in our comfy bed, turn the lights off and shut the world out.

Wanting to shut the world out is not the real problem...the real problem is shutting ourselves out. We don't listen to our own minds. We are not "mindful" of ourselves, our own needs and desires.

Don't get me wrong saying yes is a huge part of my job. I fulfill many requests. It's just part of the gig and I do love it. I enjoy completing tasks and "getting things done". My friends coined me "the machine" because I am efficient and strategic. Give me a project and give me 20 minutes...I'll have it done and done in a more streamlined, organized, put together way than you could ever imagine. I love saying yes, saying yes and fulfilling those requests makes me feel purposeful, needed, valued. BUT there is a line. Finding the line, knowing the line, adhering to the line...is the problem.

Where is the line between nice and pushed over? Where is the line between helpful and enabling? Where is the line between our authentic self and the self we tap into simply to get through the day?

The up front and honest truth is: we define the line. It is not up to others to set our boundaries. It is not someone else's responsibility to create the parameters for our lives. It is ours and ours alone. It is our opportunity. Opportunity? Yes, opportunity. When we are mindful, when we are in tune with our authentic self, we are able to...wait for it...we are able to say: N.O. NO.

You don't have to say no spitefully, bitterly, critically, or any other negative way! The point is not to all of a sudden assert your dominance, to rise up within your "self" and demand your way or the high way...that's another thing all together. The point is to have the self-awareness, self-understanding to realize WHY you are saying NO. You are saying no because:

-you are not the right person for the job...just cause you can doesn't mean you should
-you have other pressing matters to address
-you need time to think it through....stop and think before saying yes
-you are open to wait for something better
-your gut tells you so...trust your instincts
-you just need time alone...self-care says so
-you are not the one responsible for doing it...stretching yourself thin is not a solution

Often times we feel bad if we say no. We feel we are letting someone down or rather letting ourselves down for not being able to "do it all". After all we are in the 21st century! We should be able to have it all and do it all at the same time right?! Wrong. We are only one person. We only have a certain number of hours in the day. It's a good thing! It allows us the opportunity to choose. We get the chance to choose how we want to spend our day. Choose wisely.

You see saying NO allows you the opportunity to say YES to something else.

Saying no frees you up to say yes to a multitude of other opportunities you actually care, are passionate about. Prioritizing your time according to your authentic needs, desires, makes you live with a more loved, more secure, happier, more peaceful and content mind-set. It makes you feel connected. It makes you feel truly a part of something incredible to authentically you. You are actively engaged in your life rather than mindlessly subjected to your life.

People will respect you for it. We might think saying no will cause problems, people need us to fulfill all those requests, right!? What happens if we don't? People respect people who respect themselves. I personally find authenticity refreshing. I am talking about authenticity not selfishness. There is a big difference. People respond well when given a genuine, truthful answer...even if it isn't the answer they were looking for. Don't make excuses or justify...simply speak truth. "I can't I just have too much going on right now. Maybe another time." or "That sounds like a great opportunity, but I believe I'm not the right person for the job." You can even go further and say, "I really want to say yes, and a part of me feels like I should, in the past I would have without thinking about it but right now I am trying to only do what I feel I need to do." Say what you think and what you really feel. People will respond to your authenticity. If they don't respond well...it's probably a good thing you didn't say yes.

We have jobs, we have tasks that we have to do. The way we do it, the way we engage, the way we speak, act, think, process, communicate...is up to us. It is our opportunity to interact with our world. It is our chance to be authentically us. Say no so that you can say yes to authentically you.

-Authentically ME

Sky Dive In

Sometimes you just need to take a day off and jump out of an airplane...

Check it off the bucket list! Skydiving is an unbelievable and truly an EPIC experience. Thrilled I got to share it with my amazing friend, Becca. Thanks to Chattanooga Skydiving Company for making this happen!

Five Lessons From Skydiving:

1. Waiting Game: It's about a 3hr process so expect to wait a bit before you jump
2. Just Do It: Don't think about it...just dive.
3. Brace For The Harness: The hardest part is the jerk of the parachute
4. Expect Bruises: You just might wake up the next day with a few bruises
5. Ask Questions: When in doubt ask your instructor

This year has been one adventure after another and I wouldn't have it any other way. Life can be crazy stressful, up, down, and all around. Taking time to challenge yourself, to get over fear, to feel some adrenaline is a great way to just put a smile on your face!

-Authentically Me